How do I respond to infantilising endearments?

December 6, 2024

Hi Karyn. This seems like a petty problem in the big scheme of things but it’s doing my head in so here goes.

I work in a heavily male-dominated industry and have been in it for long enough to know how to deal with most of the sexism and micro-aggressions. The upfront hostility I’m prepared for and it’s mostly water off a duck’s back. What I really struggle with are the “sweetheart” (or “sweetie”), “dear” and “love” nicknames I’m given.

I’ve been responding by calling the men “mate” hoping they’ll take the hint but I still have a couple of men — one a senior colleague, one a client — who persist with it. It makes me feel like they’re not taking me seriously and it puts me on the backfoot when I’m trying to give them my serious professional advice. I know it shouldn’t but it knocks the confidence out of me. I don’t really know why.

How can I put a stop to it?

Thanks,

TW

Dear TW

There are a few things to acknowledge in here, and I want to ask a couple of clarifying questions for you to consider along with my response.

First question: do you feel like there’s malicious intent beneath the endearments? I’m not saying ignore them if there’s not, I just have some different suggestions for dealing with them. So have a think about that, and particularly in regards to the senior colleague and client you mention:

Are they using endearments with intent to belittle you? Or are they perhaps believing such endearments demonstrate that they hold affectionate respect for you?

(I’m not talking about sexual intent in this latter example, although that’s another lens to view it through. That usually comes with other obnoxious behaviours, though, and since you haven’t mentioned anything else I’m discounting that for now.)

Second question: you “know it shouldn’t” (and I’d love a conversation with you sometime about should and shouldn’t) yet it “knocks the confidence” out of you and you don’t understand why. What story are you telling yourself about who, when and why endearments are appropriate? Just a question for your reflection, and the answer/s might help as well as the following suggestions.

And so:

First things first, go with your gut, and hang onto your power.

What do I mean by this? If your gut’s telling you these men are not taking you seriously, it’s probably right. So pay attention. Both your intuition and your emotions provide you with useful information. There may be other signals apart from infantilising endearments which you’ve either dealt with differently or missed.

If you decide these endearments ARE intentional and flags that you’re not being taken seriously, they need to be tackled head-on. Rather than allow them to knock the confidence out of you, we need a response that immediately sets them back in their rightful place outside your boundary, with you standing firmly in your power.

This might seem challenging, particularly in the context of a (hierarchically) senior colleague or client, but the reality is, if you feel sure there’s professional disrespect going on, a typical ‘fawning’ response is never going to shift anything for you. The behaviour needs to be called out in whatever way allows you to feel comfortably authoritative and powerful.

Here are a few suggestions that have worked for other women where they’ve believed they were being intentionally belittled:

• Start with a firm, professional “My name is T. I’d prefer you use my name when you’re talking to me.” If they double down, fix them with your calm, grounded gaze and say, “This is unprofessional behaviour. We can’t progress this work if you continue to disrespect my wish to be addressed professionally.” And if it continues, be prepared to end the meeting or interaction then and there: “I’ve now asked you twice to address me professionally. I’m surprised this is so difficult for you to do. When you can find the ability to do this, please contact my office and we will resume the meeting.”

(And yes, if it gets to this point, it takes A LOT of Queenly authority — jump on a call with me if you anticipate this, particularly if you’re in an organisation that might not support you in dealing with the behaviour, and we can rehearse the different reactions you’ll need to anticipate.)

• Try feigned surprise and hold your hand out to shake theirs: “Hi, I’m T_, I was sure we’d met but perhaps you’ve forgotten my name.”
• Respond in kind. If they call you “sweetie”, call them “sweetie” right back. This one needs careful application, though, because (and yes, it’s unfair) you don’t want to give them any indication of any non-professional interest on your own part. It could go something like, “Okay, sweetie. Is sweetie our new greeting? I thought we were all ‘mate’. Or, you know, you could just call me by my name. But if you (all) want to change it up to ‘sweetie’ I don’t mind calling you ‘sweetie’. No sweat. But no further, either.”

(Be prepared for “sweetie” to change to “bitch” — again, unfair — but I’m guessing you’re accustomed to that and more practised in putting your bubble wrap around you to protect against the overt hostility.)

• Don’t respond at all. Pretend you’re deaf until your name is used. Then a surprised, “Oh, were you talking to me? I couldn’t tell. Next time, why not just use my name and we’ll save some time and confusion.”

Now, if you believe there is NO malicious intent or attempt to belittle or dismiss you, I’d suggest a different approach. There’s a valuable relationship here you want to protect, but to change a little so it can continue to serve you both:

• Outside of a scheduled meeting or interaction I’d ask for “a quick word”. Do this in person or by phone. It goes something like this:

“I really value our professional relationship and the support you give me and my work, thank you. I’ve noticed you often use terms like ‘sweetheart’ and ‘dear’ when addressing me, and I know you don’t mean anything harmful by it. But it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like it diminishes your professional respect for me and it sometimes makes me doubt you take my expertise/advice seriously. Could you please address me by my name in future?”

Be prepared, if there’s genuinely no intention to harm you, for a profuse apology but also potentially some hurt feelings at the other end. Emphasise how much you value the support you get from them, including their respect for your professional expertise, and how you’re keen to continue an effective professional relationship with them. The discomfort should pass quickly.

If an occasional ‘sweetheart’ drops into the conversation, smile graciously and remind gently: “You mean T_”.

If the behaviour continues beyond an occasional forgetful occurrence, send an email reminding them of your verbal request. And if necessary, choose an appropriate strategy from the with-intent options above for future.

MALICIOUS OR NOT:

• Document and escalate if needed

If the behaviour continues or you feel unsafe, document the incidents. It’s okay to involve HR or management if the environment becomes toxic as as result of your holding your power. Your safety and dignity are worth protecting. If you’re worried your organisation won’t support you in this, please book a call with me.

• Acknowledge your strength and your power of agency

Feeling triggered by signals that suggest you’re not respected does NOT mean you’re weak. It does not mean you’re creating a mountain out of a molehill. It does not mean you should simply make yourself quiet and small and hope not to be a target of the disrespect. It’s a sign of how deeply you care about being respected, and how much you have earned that respect. Give yourself credit for navigating this situation with professionalism, grace and courage.

Happy to discuss in a call if you’re concerned you can’t find any way forward amongst the strategies above.

Every good wish,

Karyn