When did you stop playing?

I’ve been trying to remember when I stopped playing with dolls. And perhaps more importantly, why.

The question’s come up — as so many great questions have come up — after seeing the Barbie movie, and then seeing the response to the Barbie movie. Particularly the conservative male response that’s centred around Barbie being “man-hating feminist trash” (spoiler: it’s not). But you can read plenty on that elsewhere.

No, I’m interested in the question of why we have no issue, really, with seeing grown men playing with their toys — ranging from laser guns to hand-held video games to electronic cars to jet skis to the full-bottle, high-end real sports cars so many men seem to bald into at a certain age — and yet it seems ludicrous that grown women might play with toys — dolls, say, or… 

I literally can’t think of any other toys I played with as a little girl. 

Actually, I can remember other toys I had as a child. There was a tea set, and the ubiquitous plush animals, and one of those drawing pads you could erase your mess from by pulling up the plastic. I know my sister had a Meccano set, which perhaps explains (or is explained by) why she went on to study architecture.

I can’t imagine playing with any of those now. I can’t imagine any of my friends playing with them, either, unless in the context of being attentive parents to their own children.

Why does this even matter?

Because now I’m coaching women in their 30s, 40s, 50s who don’t know how to play. 

They don’t know how to relax by themselves. Put on the spot, they can’t think of a single thing they like to do just for the fun of it.

I’m not being judgemental about this, I encountered the same problem myself. While we each of us know plenty of men (husbands, grown sons, adult brothers, other male friends well out of their teens) who revel in play-based hobbies, we’re damned if we can think of any of the women in our circle who do. 

Sure, some of us do organised sport. I guess that’s been acceptable play for girls since primary school. We pursue reading when we have time, and are ridiculed if that takes on the escapist form of a romance novel. When I set the women I coach an exercise that requires them to devote an hour (a whole hour! One out of 168 in a week!) that’s for their solo amusement, they come back to me with ideas about spa treatments, coffee mornings on their own, quiet walks in nature. These are all excellent, replenishing, nurturing activities — but do they really constitute play?

In child psychology texts, play is defined in this way. It’s

• freely chosen and directed by the players
• intrinsically motivated (conducted for its own sake rather than some reward outside of itself),
• structured by rules within the player’s mind,
• always creative and usually imaginative, and
• conducted in an active, alert, but relatively unstressed frame of mind.

When was the last time you got to play?

Like so many things we know are good for us, making time for play is not wasting time. Adult play can boost your creativity, improve your physical health, sharpen your sense of humour and most importantly, help you cope better with stress. 

In my coaching, our soft play exercise is a way of reconnecting with who you are when you’re not being parent, partner, daughter, friend, chauffeur, leader, employee. It’s a way of remembering what you used to love to do for yourself, to explore things you always wished you could try, to top up your tank with creativity or imagination or fun or all of these together.

If you could set aside one hour this week for you to play, what might you do with it?

According to Dr Stuart Brown of The National Institute for Play, there are eight play personalities. Which of these might play best for you? 

• The Collector: You enjoy building collections, such as Portuguese tiles or retro teapots.
• The Competitor: You enjoy playing (and winning) games with specific rules, like playing for a local netball league or nailing pub trivia.
• The Creator or Artist: You find joy in making things that weren’t there before. You might enjoy sewing, pottery, gardening, photography or furniture making.
• The Director: You enjoy planning and directing, like hosting themed birthday parties or amazing group travel itineraries.
• The Explorer: You play by discovering something new, either physically (a new place) or mentally. You might find your buzz visiting a new art gallery or museum, hiking a forest near your home or discovering a new style of music.
• The Joker: You enjoy being silly and foolish. You might enjoy improv theatre, stand-up comedy, learning to juggle or simply making your friends laugh.
• The Kinesthete: You enjoy moving your body as play. You might practise yoga or take a salsa class for fun.
• The Storyteller: You play by listening to or creating stories. You might enjoy going to the theatre, reflecting in a journal or writing your memoir.

I’m not sure whether we women stop playing because we’re expected to take on more responsibility for others, or because we become self-conscious about our choices, or because life gets too serious and too damned exhausting. There’s undoubtedly something in the fact that in heterosexual marriages, women are still performing twice as much housework every week as men, before we start allowing for the mental and emotional loads on top of the household activity.

But I know this for sure: when I think of the women I know and care for — and that includes you — we could all do better for ourselves — for our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our spirits — by finding time this week to play.

How about it. Could you set aside one hour this week for you to play? 

Every good wish,

Karyn