Is it fair to always accommodate working mums?

June 13, 2025

Karyn, help! I’m finding this situation tricky to handle, mainly because I can understand both sides of the conflict.

I have a large mixed team although there’s a small majority of women. Coming up to school holidays I always start hearing the whingeing from single women about the mothers in the team: how come they always get to take the Easter holidays? How come we always have to pick up their slack just because they have a family and not enough childcare? And on it goes.

Most of the time we’re a pretty happy team but the sniping about this gets really nasty at different times during the year. I feel like we manage it pretty well in terms of getting things done, including covering for holidays. I think we’re pretty flexible to meet people’s needs as a rule. I don’t really understand why there’s the nastiness that goes with it.

I’m a working mother myself so I know how hard it is to juggle everything. But I also remember life before kids and resenting the hell out of the mothers who raced out of meetings after a call from their kid’s school or who booked holidays over Christmas before anybody else had even thought about it.

What’s a way I can resolve this?

EM

Dear EM

Have you ever noticed it’s the working mums who attract the resentment over this issue?

Might just be my own experiences, but I’ve never yet heard anybody complain about a dad taking leave at school holiday time or being in late because of school drop-off.

I’ve also never heard anybody complain when a non-parent leaves a meeting after an urgent call about their parent or partner or pet.

And while I’ve often heard team members complain that parents “always get time off at Christmas”, I’ve also very often heard those team members declare they prefer taking their holidays outside of busy holiday seasons: fewer crowds, cheaper fares.

So what we’re often dealing with in the conflict you’re describing is perceptions and judgements related to how value in the workplace is determined and how fairly, transparently and equitably decisions about work allocation are made.

Many (not all) working mothers are incredibly efficient in performing their work. They have to be, because they’re often the breadwinners in their families or at least equal contributors to the family finances, and they know what’s at stake if they aren’t. They are also often working the second shift, taking on a big load of parenting responsibilities even when they are co-parenting, so they are very often superb managers of priorities, time and outcomes even if they are not always physically present or visible in the workplace.

Many (not all) working women who aren’t mothers enjoy the flexibility that contemporary workplaces have adopted because of the need to accommodate working parents over the past few decades. Without mothers joining the workforce in big numbers and with increasing representation in leadership, I doubt we’d be having so many debates about returning to the office after COVID, for example. The flexibility hard-won by working mothers benefits us all. But what really upsets non-parents are assumptions that because they don’t have childcare responsibilities, they can be available whenever their organisations decide they’re needed. They can feel taken for granted and exploited when urgent staffing needs arise.

You don’t mention performance issues with members of your team and I’m assuming if there are any, you’re managing these. If you have members within your team who are not pulling their weight and requiring others to ‘pick up their slack’ this needs addressing whether or not they have parental responsibilities. If you need help with this, let’s set up a call so I can work with you on resolving them.

Assuming there are no genuine performance issues, what I see and hear in this scenario is a focus on presenteeism rather than outcomes (and potentially also a whole world of value-laden assumptions about availability and fairness). This might be driven by the wider organisational culture, or it might be something dominant in your own team. Either way, there’s a fix.

As leaders, when we emphasise, measure and celebrate performance through outcomes rather than through time spent present in the workplace, we make it easier for everybody to focus on what actually matters.

Your organisation’s or team’s approach to flexible work arrangements may be contributing to a culture of presenteeism. The language you use in communicating about flexibility is important. When we focus on presenteeism rather than outcomes, we create perceptions that time being seen in the office or in meetings is what counts, and this can bring into (exaggerated) play our team members’ value of fairness.

Let’s address this culture of presenteeism first, and then look specifically at how to handle the conflict around working mothers’ visibility.

Presenteeism often stems from a mix of outdated beliefs, poor leadership modelling and structural issues. Here are some questions you might reflect on:

• Are you rewarding or visibly valuing long hours, being “always on,” or staying late? Or are you role-modelling for focus, balance and flexibility? How are you communicating this?
• Does your organisation and/or team have clear guidance on working hours, availability (in person, online or by phone) and flexibility of work that are tied to delivering outcomes rather than presence? Are these equitable, well communicated and understood?
• Are you (consciously or unconsciously) providing more opportunities for team members who happen to be always visible?  Or are you considering objectively and fairly all team members for opportunities? How are you communicating this?
• Are individual and team outcomes clearly defined? When outcomes are achieved, are they rewarded and celebrated? In the absence of clearly defined and measured outcomes, visibility becomes a proxy for value. How are you defining, communicating and acknowledging outcomes?
• If your team is under-resourced in general or at specific times, how are you determining priorities and their allocation? How are you advocating for reasonable (if necessary, reduced) expectations of performance and outcomes in line with your resources?
• Are your decisions regarding leave arrangements based on time or outcome measures? Are they equitable as well as flexible, based on business requirements?

That’s quite the checklist, I know. But if presenteeism is the basis for the conflict you’re trying to manage (and from your explanation of what’s going on, I believe it is), it’s necessary to address that cultural factor if we’re to resolve this issue in the longer term.

As for resolving the current conflict?

Here are some practical strategies that should help you navigate these perceptions of injustice within your team.

1. Name the problem

• Acknowledge that some conflict exists and is causing division. Nobody is to blame, but there are perceptions and value judgements that need to be addressed so the team can work together most effectively.
• Open a safe conversation in a team meeting or an anonymous survey to surface perceptions and concerns.
• Make it clear this is about creating a fair, sustainable culture — not favouring some team members over others.

2. Shift the team’s focus to outcomes over hours

• Redefine performance by focusing on outcomes, not physical presence or long hours. Availability doesn’t necessarily require physical presence. In teams in which physical presence IS essential to meet the team’s objectives, be equitably flexible in arranging shifts, systems, tasks and outcome measures — and keep focused on how well outcomes are achieved rather than on when or how they’re achieved.
• Agree clear responsibilities and outcomes then give team members as much flexibility and autonomy as possible to deliver these.

3. Put the problem on the opposite side of the table from the team  

• Rather than individual team members and their work patterns, is the real problem a culture of presenteeism rather than performance? Is it under-resourcing during critical periods such as seasonal holidays? Is it inflexibility in systems that can’t accommodate flexibility in work patterns?

It might be all of these or none of these; but have the team together define what the actual problem is.

Once you’ve defined the problem together as a team, take a team approach to solving it empathically, fairly, collaboratively and creatively.

• Keep the team’s focus on the problem, not on individuals.
• Encourage team members to share what worries or frustrates them about the current situation they’re dissatisfied with; acknowledging those emotions that underlay resentment is the first step to reaching practical solutions to address them.
• Ensure all team members have opportunity and encouragement to speak their truth on the issue.
• All team members’ worries must be heard and addressed in the final resolution. Sounds utopian? It takes discipline and practice, but it will ensure your resolution sticks.
• Decide some new principles or guidelines for the way your team works that all team members agree are fair and equitable. These might include availability hours, email response times, communication protocols while out of the workplace.
• During contested holiday periods (such as the summer break), consciously reduce non-essential work priorities and implement ‘on call’ systems that allow staff with (or without) care responsibilities to handle overflow work, with the ability to reclaim leave balances if they are required to work during their leave.
• Reinforce the foundational principle that flexibility is about life needs, not just parenting, and that accountability remains with individual team members to fulfil their work responsibilities and deliver their outcomes.

 If your team is ‘mostly a pretty happy team’, it’s even more important you address this conflict because left unresolved, it could start to feed into patterns of overwork and burnout as well as division and lack of cooperation between your team members.

Well done for asking the question and seeking a solution; I see so many workplaces allowing unfair assumptions and presenteeism to develop into toxic cultures that undermine their success. Sort this one out, and you’ll be flying!

Much love to you,

Karyn x