How do I get them to back off?!
May 16, 2025
Hi, Karyn. I need some help with a very needy team member please. I feel like my boundaries are pretty good and communication in my team generally is great but this woman is driving me quietly nuts and I’m running out of strategies.
Half the time she’s waiting for me in the carpark when I arrive in the morning with some urgent problem she needs me to sort or something she thinks I really need to know. She follows me all the way into my office and the only way I can get her to stop talking is to signal one of the other team members to phone me so I have to pick up. Half the time she waits for me to finish the phone call and then carries on! She constantly interrupts me during the day, hovering in the doorway and our meetings always run way over time. At the end of the day she’ll wander in and want to chat when I have to get home.
I have tried telling her I’m busy and need to get to another meeting; I’ve tried coaching her in resolving her own questions and working with other team members; I’ve tried leaving the office early or booking meetings away from the office in the afternoons so I can get away on time. I’ve tried being warm and responsive and I’ve tried giving her the cold shoulder. It’s ridiculous the things I’ve come up with to try and cut her off or avoid her.
The thing is I think she’s really lonely and I feel a lot of sympathy for her. She’d been living with her mother who died 18 months ago, although to be honest this behaviour was happening before then too. And the other problem is, if for whatever reason she can’t get to me with her problem or news, she goes to one of my deputies and wastes their time. We just don’t need the constant distraction.
What strategy do you recommend?
MR
MR, it IS ridiculous. And I feel compassion for all of you, but I’m wondering if you’ve had an honest conversation with her about this? The issue is clearly affecting not only you but other team members, and I imagine it must also be impacting her own work performance.
I want to address the larger issue of why she might be behaving this way at the end of this response, but first let’s deal with your request for strategies to manage it.
I suspect you’ve been enormously patient and caring, but if you’re dreaming up strategies of avoidance and evasion, you’re not actually communicating clearly about the problem. Candour is always kinder.
If you HAVE had a firm, straight, honest conversation with this staff member and you haven’t seen any change in her behaviour, you need to have it again (and again, and again, so long as you’re clear about what you require, until the behaviour changes).
A structured discussion that resets your expectations of her will be important. It could go something like this:
“Jane (I’m making up the name; use hers), up until now I’ve been very conscious of how much you must be missing your mother and so I’ve been wanting to give you plenty of opportunity to talk. However, lately it seems as if we’re spending far too much time talking and not enough time working on our priority activities. I’m struggling to get through my own work each day, and I imagine you might be having that trouble, too, so I need to bring our communications back to a professional footing that helps us both get our work done more effectively.
“From now on, I’d like us to meet once each week for 45 minutes to cover off any issues or updates you want to share with me. I’d like you to send me an agenda for this meeting 24 hours before, and be ready to speak to your recommended actions in the meeting. I’ll ask my executive assistant to work with you to find a day and time each week that works for us.
“If there’s an urgent issue you need to discuss with me, rather than interrupting me with it, please ask my executive assistant to schedule a 10-minute meeting for us at the earliest opportunity she can provide, and be ready to speak then to the options and your recommendation for action.
“I’d also like you to become aware of your impact on the wider team. We all have a lot going on, and we all want to be able to support one another and share our news, but it can be very stressful to be interrupted with communication that’s not helping the team meet its priorities. I’d like you to ask other team members if they have time to talk, and respect their answer if they say no.
“Jane, do you understand what I’d like you to do in future? And is there anything you need in order to make this new arrangement work for you as well as for the rest of us?
MR, listen closely to what she tells you she understands of your expectations and also anything she needs in order to change her behaviour; this will give you clues about what’s really going on.
If she is less than clear about what you’re asking her to do, go back to the beginning of the conversation and have the whole thing again: Jane, this is what I’ve allowed in the past; this is no longer acceptable; this is what I expect of you in future; do you understand?
Once you are sure (because she’s repeated it to you) she understands what you expect, ask her again if she needs anything to make this behaviour change. If she asks for any reasonable accommodations, accept them, provided they still result in the changed behaviour you seek.
I recommend you set a meeting with the staff member for this reset conversation, and be prepared to spend plenty of time having it so you both leave it clear of what’s expected in future. But this is the last meeting with her you should allow to run over its allotted time. Be prepared to announce five minutes before the end of future meetings with her that time is nearly up and ask her what is the most important last item to discuss in the remaining time. And then when time’s up, if the agenda hasn’t been fully completed, recommend she either roll remaining items over to the next meeting or deal with them herself.
This brings me to the issue of why your staff member demands so much of your attention. Certainly she may be experiencing loss, grief and loneliess after the death of her mother, and she may be using communication in her work environment to help her deal with these emotions. That’s fair enough, but it’s not enough. If you haven’t already done so, please give her details of your employee assistance program if you have one. If you don’t have one, please recommend she seeks some grief counselling.
However, you mention her demanding behaviour was creating stress before the death of her mother. I wonder, then, if she’s struggling with a lack of confidence in her own competence? If she’s frequently bringing issues to you which you expect her to be able to solve for herself, it’s time to start making your expectation explicit, along with your conviction that she has all the experience, knowledge, skills and resources to make such decisions herself.
This can start with a simple, “What do you recommend?” question when she brings you a problem. Provided her recommendation is reasonable (and if it’s not, you have discovered a knowledge or thinking gap you need to address together), agree that that’s what she should do and tell her you’ll look forward to hearing the outcome at your next meeting.
This kind of discussion — describe the issue, outline the options, provide a recommendation, agree the action — need take only a minute or two for most issues and should be the rhythm you set in your weekly meetings with her, or in the scheduled brief meetings if she has an urgent issue to discuss.
As for meeting you in the carpark as you arrive: if you prefer this behaviour to stop, then please include this explicitly as one of the changed behaviours you’d like from her. “Jane, I like to spend my time walking to the office thinking about what I need to prepare for the day. Let’s talk when we have our regular meeting, or if you have an urgent issue, please ask my executive assistant for 10 minutes for us to meet.”
However, if you’re comfortable speaking with her then, this is a good opportunity to support her personally and with empathy. Ask her how she’s doing and listen to what she’s telling you. If you have the work-time communications in hand, I suspect you’ll have more capacity to listen.
At the end of the day, if she wants to chat with you and you need to leave, be clear and firm: “Jane, I can’t speak with you now, I have to go. Have a beautiful evening, see you tomorrow.” And leave.
MR, it’s not clear to me if this staff member is a direct report of yours, so I’ll assume she is. If she’s not, you’ll also need a conversation with her manager about how you will manage her interruptions so the manager can also intervene. If she’s not your direct report, the weekly meeting with her becomes the responsibility of her manager — I suggest coaching the manager in a similar approach to above — and at any time she interrupts your own work, please firmly redirect her to her regular meeting with her manager.
One thing I want to highlight to you, MR: whether or not this staff member is your direct report, she clearly likes, trusts and respects you. You’ve created an admirable work environment in which your team members seek your support and approval. That’s no bad thing, nor is it an easy thing.
But the leadership behaviour that engenders that kind of team trust also relies on firm boundaries and clear expectations that the trust and care won’t be abused.
It can be a fine balance, but I’ve no doubt you’ll work this out for the benefit of your team members and your self.
Much love to you,
Karyn x
