How do I battle the sexism? (#notallmen)

March 14, 2025

Hi Karyn, saw your feisty post about men not standing up to male violence.

I work in a heavily male-dominated industry with some really terrific men (bosses, colleagues and clients). But still, stuff goes on and it’s as if they don’t even see it.

If I acted, yelled or bullied the way some of my colleagues do I would be quickly marched out the door! But every time I mention anything like this or point out something I see going on at work, I get sympathetic nods and mutters after the fact but NOTHING CHANGES.

I’m now getting eye rolls and groans any time I start to mention something, like I’m the one creating the bad atmosphere.

I love my job and my company and I DO enjoy working with many of my colleagues but like you said: it feels like I’m doing all the heavy lifting trying to contribute to a positive culture and I’m exhausted and fed up with it.

I’ve been here nearly 15 years and have progressed up the ranks and naively believed I would actually get to a point where I could help change the culture but perhaps it’s time to move on to somewhere more ready to change. (But again so many of my colleagues are genuinely good men and what if ended up just moving into a place with fewer good men. How on earth are we supposed to judge this from a job interview?)

Would be glad to know if you have any thoughts about this.

Thanks!

LW

Hi, LW, thanks for this. Strap in. I have A LOT of thoughts. Also a lot of feelings. And a few suggestions.

First, I hear you. One of the great tensions I observe in many women’s attempts to understand, articulate and ultimately change some of the inequities, inequalities and downright poor male behaviour they see going on around them is the #notallmen tension.

We ALL know terrific men. We don’t have to be told over and over that #notallmen are violent against women and girls. But the #notallmen who flip the script and demand we acknowledge THEY are not violent can have us shrinking our thoughts, feelings, experiences and expectations back into silence.

On the other hand, we also know 1 in 4 Australian women have experienced sexual violence (assault and/or threat) at the hands of men*. Or to flip it to reveal the actual issue: 1 in 4 Australian men have likely committed sexual violence against women. #notallmen, sure, but 1 in 4. Worth reminding, if you needed to be reminded, that women face far greater danger from the men in their own homes than they do from strangers in dark alleys.

I wonder how many men quickly dusted off their #notallmen conviction when they heard about Gisèle Pelicot’s horrific experience in Mazan, France, after her husband found scores of men happy to rape her while she was drugged into unconsciousness? Mazan is a small provincial town. The ratio of #notallmen to #yesthesemen is horrifying.

What does all this have to do with your workplace?

From where I sit? Everything.

We know male violence against women exists on a continuum that includes verbal and emotional abuse, harassment and intimidation, economic and social control, physical and sexual violence. It starts with sexist jokes and comments, verbal put-downs and insults, gaslighting and discrediting. It progresses to controlling behaviours and ultimately to threatened and/or actual violence.

The man you saw in the video in my post didn’t commit that behaviour in isolation. It was not the first time he’d verbally and emotionally abused, harassed, intimidated and threatened a woman. It was extreme behaviour, for sure, but it was no accident that he turned on a woman he didn’t know in a public place and abused her. It was obvious from the video he felt more than entitled to do so, and not at all remorseful about his appalling behaviour.

The men who stood around him and allowed him to do it gave him all the affirmation he needed that he was well within his rights to behave as he did. I’ve no doubt many of those men have women in their lives who will tell you they are ‘terrific men’.

I’ve no doubt this man has received that kind of silent affirmation of his attitudes, beliefs and behaviours his whole life, including in his workplace. He’s got away with much less confronting abuse over and over again in the past; it’s been dismissed, ignored, shrugged off, laughed off by other men. What terrifies me most about the video I posted is imagining what he’ll do next, confident nobody will call him out, intervene or stop him.

The #notallmen tension we feel is the knowledge that, actually, we can’t predict when we’re going to be that woman on the train. We look at some of the men we know and think, I could see YOU doing that. We look at more of the men we know and wonder, would YOU stand there pretending this is not happening?

Let’s say it out loud: Along with the terrific men we all know, we ALL know men we’d give our left lung not to have to interact with ever again. Their expressions, words and actions make us uncomfortable. They make us frightened. Very often, they are entirely aware of the impact they are having upon us. It’s not accidental. They may not acknowledge it or recognise it as threatening when they begin it, but they nevertheless observe the reaction they’re getting from us is not welcoming, and still they continue. There’s power in it. A feeling of control, probably.

There is A LOT of this demeaning, intimidating, threatening behaviour in a lot of workplaces, and it sounds like even given the terrific colleagues and clients you work with, you’re experiencing some of it there.

The problem is, the terrific men often DON’T observe it in the same way we do, because they’re not on the receiving end of it. They hear us talk about it after the fact and can’t really remember or understand what we’re talking about because they didn’t see/hear/feel it themselves.

And if they DO observe it, they stay silent because it’s behaviour they’ve observed and walked past their entire lives. Or because it’s behaviour they know they’ve done themselves at some point and it would be hypocritical, wouldn’t it, to call out another bloke for it. Or because they’re as frightened as we are of what would happen if they spoke up about it.

Margaret Atwood is often cited as saying ‘Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.’ As a woman, this feels viscerally true of my own experiences and fears. But I’d suggest that fear of being laughed at is equally strong in many men when it comes to other men’s scorn. They’re not going to invite humiliation or alienation by speaking out about something their socialisation all their lives has told them is acceptable. At least, not if they have to do it first.

And so what can we do about this under-the-radar, underlying, undermining behaviour in the workplace?

Call it out as it’s happening.

It’s going to take some courage, but as a woman surviving and sometimes thriving in male-dominated workplaces, you have that in spades.

It looks and sounds something like this:

For abusive behaviour including yelling, insults, threats (including from your boss; this behaviour is NEVER acceptable):

• I need you to lower your voice. We can either discuss this professionally or not at all. OR
• I’m not comfortable continuing this discussion when you’re speaking to me this way. OR
• This discussion has become unproductive. Let’s pause and resume when we can discuss this calmly and respectfully. OR
• That comment was inappropriate and disrespectful. I deserve to be treated professionally.

For inappropriate jokes, ‘banter’ and innuendo:

• I don’t understand what’s funny. Can you please explain it to me? (and if necessary: And how, exactly, is that funny?)
• That comment makes me uncomfortable. Let’s keep our discussion professional.
• I don’t think that’s appropriate for the workplace. Can we refocus on [topic]?
• I’d prefer if we kept our conversations work-related.

For interruptions: (this requires courage AND the overriding of any ‘good girl’ tendency to stop speaking immediately when somebody speaks over you)

• I was not finished making my point. Please let me continue without interrupting me. OR
• I’d like to finish my point before we move on. OR
• Let me finish what I was saying and then I’ll be happy to hear your perspective.

For bropriations (dismissing your coontribution by taking credit for your input):  

• What a fascinating idea. Where did you hear that? OR
• That’s amazing! I had no idea you were listening so closely to what I was telling you! OR
• Can you think of any downsides to that idea? No? Neither could I when I first suggested it to you. OR
• That’s not a bad summary. But you’ve forgotten the key point I was making to you…

These responses are most impactful when you are amongst colleagues. The terrific men who simply haven’t observed the problematic behaviours in the past will be able to see and hear what’s bothering you, along with some effective statements they can affirm or repeat. The more often you call it out, the more often they observe it, the more they understand it and have the ability to support you in stopping it.

You can actively encourage them to become allies to improve the organisation’s culture. After an incident in which you’ve spoken up, make an opportunity to ask the terrific men that were present:

• I’d appreciate your support in future when situations like you’ve just seen arise. Would you be comfortable backing me up? OR
• Did you notice what happened in that meeting when (provide the specific example)? I could use your perspective. OR
• Would you be willing to speak up if you notice this happening again?

Your own safety is paramount in each of these scenarios. Trust your gut. If you feel threatened, take that feeling seriously and don’t discount it as an overreaction. Whether or not the behaviour and its impact is intentional is not for you to assess in this moment.

If you are alone when the behaviour occurs and feel safe enough to use one of the statements above, then do so. If the behaviour escalates, use one of the statements below:

• I’m leaving this meeting now. I’ve noted this incident and will arrange a meeting to discuss it with you and HR. OR
• I’m uncomfortable with how this conversation is proceeding. I think we should involve (your own trusted supervisor). OR
• This pattern of behaviour needs to stop. I’ve documented previous incidents, and I’ll be speaking with (appropriate contact) about this.

If you don’t feel safe, leave the space immediately AND call a colleague you know to be in close proximity AND/OR your organisation’s security office AND/OR the police. Do not stay to persist with attempts to be professionally courteous. Threatening behaviour does not merit professional courtesy.

Remember that in cases of serious misconduct, it’s important to

• Document incidents with dates, times, and details
• Report problems to HR or management as appropriate
• Consider having a trusted colleague present during difficult conversations
• Know your company’s policies regarding workplace harassment and bullying well enough to quote them to the person behaving inappropriately

And LW, as to the question of whether you should seek out another organisation more ready to embrace equality and equity for all: you already know the answer. There are no guarantees.

If you’re serious about leaving your current organisation, I’d let your CEO and senior executive colleagues know exactly why you’re choosing to leave. Give them specifics and give them the opportunity to respond, even if you still intend to go.

If you find a new organisation you’d like to work for, before you accept a role ask them to make their employee database available to you and randomly select 30% of the women on the database to phone at work for a brief, frank chat about their experiences of the culture. Include a mix of levels and functions. And listen to them. Positive or not, many of them are very likely to be happy to share their experiences.

I wish you luck!

Much love to you,

Karyn x

*Australian Bureau of Statistics